Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
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Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.