These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
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If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday