Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
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My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
Brb my Sims are getting married
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.