Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
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God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.