Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
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Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
If a snake ate a cake
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
what the
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…