Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
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Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
He took my last fry, your honor
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
X-tra spooky blend
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.