Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
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I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
Don’t snitch tag.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
Kentucky names the shit out of places
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
Just a reminder, folks:
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
Wednesday
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs