Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
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Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
Squirrels before girls.
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.