If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
You Might Also Like
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
just witnessed a drug deal
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
is there nothing we can trust anymore