When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
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Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
rich people when they have to pay taxes
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week