it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
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my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t