Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
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Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
This can never not be funny 😭😭
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…