This is my cat’s medicine.
You Might Also Like
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
shampoo implies shampee
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.