I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
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When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
This is amazing.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.