“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
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I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.