My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
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My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
it was love at first sight
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from