I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
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I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
Personal question. #JustSaying
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*