Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
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“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
me refusing to leave twitter
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.