My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
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Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.