My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
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Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend