Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
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Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
Found my door mat
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
I am yelling
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
Nomnomnomnom
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children