Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
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“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
jesus christ confetti not now
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”