I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
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There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work