Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
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I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”