THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
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It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
These work great until they don’t.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection