No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
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I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
Whenever my “advanced placement” tween gets too brain cocky I like to remind her that I’ve had to pull a jellybean out of her nostril not once, not twice, but 3 times
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.