me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
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My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
United Steaks of America
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.