Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
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What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real