If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
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BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or