When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
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It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about