“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
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COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.