I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
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“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
The symmetry is uncanny.
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
Have a lovely day 😊
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
My dog learned how to text
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?