Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
You Might Also Like
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
I only look at Wordle for the articles
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.