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WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
But that’s none of my business
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
so, is there a mister shapen head
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas