Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
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I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
It’s probably too late to lose 50lbs by 2023
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”