i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
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Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early