Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
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Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can鈥檛 put my pants on without falling over.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don鈥檛 want someone stealing all the stuff we鈥檝e been trying to get rid of for years.
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there鈥檚 a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i鈥檓 going in
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can鈥檛 even get up fast because the cat is on you.
For me, it鈥檚 not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
Not today. 馃槄
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who鈥檚 telling the truth
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I鈥檓 at least a double. Probably a king sized
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?