*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
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My apartment is a mess, I should move
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
.. do you even science?
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.