Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
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facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
Cucumbers Anonymous
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.