The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
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My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
i- i did not expect this
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
Guantanamo Bae
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
Don’t tell me what to do
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.