The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
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Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.