Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
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want me to check your oil?
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds