COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
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Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]