Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
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Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
Encore…
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect