Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
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Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
Good Morning.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas