[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
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me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”