I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
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Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
iPhone X
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean