[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
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Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR