[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
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spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
Breaking news:
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
Best spot.. 😅
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me