*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
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Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
what the hell pray for carter everyone
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.